There are some things you should never say to your child.
yesterday, no sooner had I finished my dinner than I received a call from my sister.
my sister said hurriedly on the phone:
I asked my sister what's going on.
my sister said hesitatingly:
"it's not because of study. I said a few words to him. He talked to me unconvincingly. When I got angry, I scolded him, 'Why did I give birth to such a useless thing like you?'
I didn't know he couldn't stand it, so he dropped his chopsticks and ran out. "
after listening to my sister, I let out a long sigh.
my sister is like this every time. She loves her child very much in her heart, but she always hurts her child with hurtful words.
but every time I hurt a child, I never look for a reason in myself.
the famous psychologist Marshall Luxembourg once said:
in many cases, parents casually utter a sentence that will not leave a scar on the child's body, but will stick an insurmountable thorn in the child's heart.
what happened to the children who were stabbed by their parents?
after reading the following three stories, maybe you will find some answers.
the first story comes from Xiaobo, an 11-year-old boy from Zhejiang.
Wavelet's academic performance is very good, never out of the top five of the class.
but Xiaobo's mother is not satisfied.
she often tells Xiaobo:
she is very strict with Xiaobo, and often scolds and punishes Xiaobo angrily because of a little mistake and a little retrogression.
some time ago, my mother saw Bo playing with her cell phone at home for half an hour in the monitoring.
when she came home, she scolded Po for being "unworthy" and "just knowing how to play", and punished him to kneel in the yard for two hours.
No one thought that this would become the last straw to overwhelm Xiaobo.
Xiao Xiao resolutely left a letter and ran away from home.
the letter says:
"Mom, I'm leaving, please don't call me.
Wanna try online shopping? We have glittering collection of boat neckline lace dress for wedding of tasteful nature. Enter our online catalogue to find that perfect gown.
I know I am a loser, loser and encumbrance. It hasn't been a day or two to make you angry these years.
Don't worry. I will take books with me when I leave. I will study hard. I will also collect some materials to write my composition. Don't look for me. I will come back by myself. "
words make people sad.
A child of only 11 years old, who was supposed to be a confident, sunny and energetic teenager, now admits that he is a "loser", "loser" and "encumbrance".
A child who is supposed to be spoiled by his parents is now trembling to escape from his parents, not forgetting to appease his parents wisely, telling them, "I won't forget to learn."
I remember a sentence I once saw:
every word of scolding from his mother, though it did not ignite hatred in his heart.
but every nasty word his mother ever said left a deep scar on his heart.
makes him vulnerable, self-abased, confused, helpless, makes him feel useless, makes him feel unworthy of being loved, and completely loses his hope and enthusiasm for the future.
the second story comes from a 14-year-old girl with depression.
the girl is studying in the first key high school in the province, and her parents have high expectations of her. As long as the girl's grades do not meet her parents' requirements, they will constantly deny her, ask her, and direct her.
after staying in high school, girls often quarrel with their classmates because they can't deal with interpersonal relationships.
the girl called her mother for help and told her that she was isolated and bullied.
the mother's first reaction is not to care about her child and know the truth, but to pour cold water on her:
once, the girl's mother received a complaint from the head teacher and scolded the girl severely.
"it's your own problem that you can't have a good relationship with everyone."
"can you reflect on yourself!"
later, the girl never called her mother again, but her condition was getting worse and worse:
she began to become hysterical, she always unconsciously scratched her fingers, scratching her fingertips all over the wound, she began to refuse to communicate with her mother, and she always cried alone in the middle of the night.
until once, when the girl told her mother that she was standing on the teaching building and wanted to jump, the girl's mother panicked and hurriedly took the girl to see a doctor.
however, when the doctor diagnosed that the girl was suffering from moderate depression, the girl's mother did not care about the girl's condition, but scolded the girl in disappointment:
"We put so much effort into such a good school. Why are you so uneasy?"
this time, the girl was completely cold to her mother.
she shut herself in her room, wrote "I hate Mom" in her diary, and quietly ate a whole bottle of sleeping pills.
teacher Wu Zhihong said:
A child's deepest emotional need is to feel loved.
every child regards his parents as the person closest to him, and every child yearns for the love, understanding and tolerance of his parents.
but parents' neglect of their children's emotional needs and parents' indifference to their children's words will not only chill their children's hearts, no longer trust their parents, but also force them into a corner.
those inconsiderate blame, those blurting out complaints, like a sharp knife, completely cut off the connection between parents and children.
the third story is the story of a young murderer.
when the boy was 12 years old, his parents divorced.
After that, he began to live with his mother, but his mother often abused him:
"Why don't you die?"
you are a pig's brain, a useless loser, and an individual is better than you. "
the mother's humiliation, negation, sarcasm and sarcasm filled the boy's heart with anger and shame.
from the bottom of his heart, he began to agree that
he is really a loser, really useless.
until one day, unable to relieve his inner pain, he picked up a knife and frantically stabbed someone weaker than himself.
after all, he became the one he hated the most.
the "curse" his mother put on him became a reality.
there is a phenomenon of internalization in psychology:
Children will unwittingly believe their parents' negative evaluation of themselves, and turn these extremely bad evaluation into negative evaluation of themselves, living in the shadow of self-humiliation.
that is to say, the "negative label" that parents put on their children will become a "reaction" to push the child to a worse direction.
every negation and accusation by parents is a reminder of how unbearable they are;
every blow and insult by parents is to reinforce their children's rebellion and anger at the bottom of their hearts.
the more parents dislike their children, the more children will run in a direction that their parents dislike.
there is a saying:
verbal abuse is tantamount to soul murder.
whether a child's life is positive, sunny or negative depends on the parents' thoughts.
the above three stories actually correspond to the three levels in which parents hurt their children with words;
the first layer: make children's hearts scarred.
level 2: put the parent-child relationship in jeopardy.
layer 3: put a "brand" on the child and ruin the child's life.
as said in the Villa of desire:
A soft tongue can break a person's bones and muscles, and language is sometimes more hurtful than violence.
for parents, it may just be a blurt out, but for children, harm can last a lifetime.
Shu Qi once revealed her childhood experience on the program:
this bumpy experience has made Shu Qi become rebellious, sensitive and self-abased, and has lived in the shadow of extreme lack of sense of security all her life.
when Jiang Wen was a child, his mother was very strict with him and never gave him a good face.
after becoming famous, Jiang Wen once said in an interview:
has not been affirmed and praised by his mother, which has become an everlasting pain in Jiang Wen's heart.
Li Meijin, an education expert, once conducted a survey of 1000 minors. The results show that
Children who are often scolded by their parents at home are most likely to have personality defects.
25.7% of the children are "self-abased" and "depressed", 22.1% are cold, and 56.5% are often grumpy.
so, there are some things parents should never say to their children.
the child's inner world is sensitive and fragile.
every hurtful word from a parent will plant a painful seed in the child's heart and affect the child's life.
Adele Farber, a famous American child educator, said:
Human language will destroy a child and make a child.
when Edison was a child, his teacher handed him a folded note and told him:
after Edison obediently handed it to his mother, his mother wept as she looked at it. Edison asked his mother: