The most failed family education: a strong mother, an absent father, raising a problem child

/July 2022

Last month, a piece of news caused a heated discussion:

Li, a senior high school boy in Nanjing, came home (a temporary rented school district room) to do his homework after class and was severely abused by his mother.

Li was so angry that he picked up a kitchen knife and killed his mother.

but on weekdays, Li is actually a clever and excellent child.

from a key junior high school to a key high school, he won the first place in the school, and even shared his learning experience at the school's commendation meeting two months ago.

people can't help but ask: why does such an excellent child do such an unscrupulous thing?

as the news came to light, more details of the case were revealed. after analyzing Li's life background layer by layer, I saw the heart-wrenching truth behind this tragedy:

it turns out that the most failed family education often stems from the dislocation of parents' family roles.


strong maternal love

is a cage for binding children

loving children is the instinct of parents, but how to love is the most important lesson for parents.

in Li's family, because the father is busy with his work and does not live with the mother and son, the burden of reading with the child falls on Li's mother alone.

Li's classmate said:

"when she met Mother Li, she had already quit her job to study with her son.

Mother Li will be more extreme and stubborn. She thinks that children must study hard if they want to get ahead, so they are very strict with their son's study."

it is precisely because of the strong and controlled maternal love that unwittingly turns Li into a "two-faced man":

in front of parents and teachers, he is a sensible and decent child.

but in front of his classmates, it is sometimes difficult for him to control his emotions, and he even went to his classmate's house with a kitchen knife.

when he asked why he had a quarrel with his mother, his mother wanted to frighten him with a kitchen knife. He hurriedly took the kitchen knife and went to the classmate to "hide from the limelight."

(screenshot source: red Star News)

looking back, the seeds of tragedy have long been planted.

Mother Li never ignores her son's true demands and always uses her authority and strength as a parent to force her son to obey.

for Li, home no longer seems to be a synonym for warmth and security, but more like a "cage" made up by his mother. He tried to struggle, but found that the more he rebelled, the more tightly he was tied up.

finally, Li collapsed because of his mother's abnormal love, so he pointed the knife that had threatened her at her mother.

overnight, Li changed from an excellent child in the eyes of others to a murderer of his mother.

and in real life, there are also many children who end up being "two-faced" because of their mother's strong control:

on the one hand, they are clever and sensible, and their grades are excellent; on the other hand, they are struggling and on the verge of collapse.

having seen an educational observation documentary "Hello, Future Human", the 13-year-old boy Jiajin is an excellent child, not only with excellent intelligence, but also with excellent skills such as rugby, violin, piano and so on.

(home and mother)

even the theme of the previous competition can only follow my mother's advice, give up her favorite study of ancient Roman history, and choose the DNA direction that my mother likes.

but behind the appearance of excellence, Jia Jin is like a full crossbow, full of stress and anxiety.

in a growth test on the program, the growth indicators of Jiajin are excellent.

but the tension at home has reached its peak and may collapse at any time-the most specific manifestation is that you often bite your nails to relieve anxiety.

in the final analysis, the mother wants her son's life to be realized step by step according to her own expectations.

whether it is to participate in the competition or the ideal of life, every step taken by the child must be firmly controlled by the mother.

it is this stressful love that makes the child's life unbearable.

No accident, those controls in the name of love will eventually become the bitter fruit of the child's fate, permeating every corner of the child's life.


absent fatherly love

creates psychological trauma in a child's life

in the beginning news, we can see the absence of the father, so that the burden of parenting falls entirely on the mother.

the anxiety of studying with her, the excessive pressure on her children to study in the college entrance examination, the negative emotions that the mother has nowhere to vent, and the frequent conflicts between mother and son, all kinds of entanglements finally overwhelm the mother and the child and destroy a family.

this also highlights the common educational problems in modern families:

mothers become the absolute subject of education, and fathers are seriously invisible or even disappear in their children's lives.

the absence of the father will bring a lot of harm to the children: emotional disorders, lack of rational power, poor interpersonal relationships, lack of self-confidence, no purpose in life, full of anxiety and loneliness.

after the birth of his son Zhang Mo, the famous actor Zhang Guoli has been busy filming, basically absent from the child's growth, only the child's mother Luo Xiuchun takes care of her son wholeheartedly.

Zhang Mo was relatively thin and small when he was a child, and he was often bullied by others.

because there is no father's instruction and support, Zhang Mo always digests the conflict with others by himself, so he becomes more and more withdrawn.

Father is called father not only because of the natural blood connection, but also because of the inner connection and emotion between father and son.resonance.

Zhang Mo once said that he resented his father. If he filled out the form and wrote "father's occupation", he would write "worker" and "shoe repairman", or else he would be "laid off", deliberately making his father angry.

when he grew up, Zhang Mo rebelled against his father with a "rebellious and troublesome" attitude. He once beat his girlfriend Tong Yao and was expelled from school and later jailed for taking drugs.

Zhang Guoli once apologized to the public for the mistakes made by his son.

but belated fatherly love cannot make up for the child's lost childhood after all, leaving only endless sorrow and remorse.

up to now, there are still too many fathers who do not understand that "the role of a father" is an irreplaceable existence and plays an important role in bringing up children to grow up.

in the importance of fathers in the healthy development of children, it is proposed that paternal function includes seven aspects:

has a positive relationship with the child's mother;

spends time with the child;

raises the child;

discipline the child properly;

guide the child to the world outside the family;

protect and support;

become a model for the child.

for children, fathers are role models who can teach them how to be a mature adult, how to have the character of commitment and all the solid qualities.

but the mother can give the child a kind of sense of security in life, enrich the child's heart and promote the child's emotional development with love, softness and meticulous care.

therefore, the healthy growth of a child is inseparable from the mother's nature and sensibility, not to mention the father's social and rational.


the best family education:

fathers are more company, mothers are less anxious

there has been a saying widely spread in the circle of friends:

the functions and characteristics of father and mother are completely different. Only father love is not absent, mother love is not rampant, give children a complete family education, children's growth is not fettered.

the functions and traits of father and mother are completely different, but they are both equally important.

The country wedding dresses comes in lovely arrays of textile, color, designs and fits. Large varieties of shapes and cuts for you to choose from.

mothers give their children emotional needs and tenderness, and fathers teach their children the way of thinking and power to view the world and deal with problems.

the family education concept of Bill Gates, the richest man in the world, is worth using for reference.

at the age of 12, Bill Gates, a rebellious child who entered puberty, always tried to get rid of his mother's control and had a strong resistance to all his mother's demands, and mother-child conflicts occurred frequently.

and Old Bill has been acting as a mediator in the conflict between his son and his wife, giving a lot of positive influence to the children to prevent them from going astray.

Bill Gates' father died in September, and he mourned on his blog: "my father is the real Bill Gates, and he is everything I want to be."

as a husband and a man, he respects his wife's contribution very much, recognizes his wife's contribution as a mother, and cares for his wife all the time;

as a father, he respects his children's choices and encourages them to explore the unknown. Accompany children within the limits of their ability, such as a big meal at the same time every Sunday.

in fact, this is the true meaning of family education. No matter how many parent-child anxiety and parenting tasks, with the support and participation of the father, can drive away the mother's anxiety and negative emotions.

instead of the father being absent all the time, leaving the mother alone in parenting anxiety, she has no choice but to transfer all the negative energy to the child, causing the child to live in dire straits.

parents should keep in mind that the most important thing to cultivate excellent and happy children is not material comfort, but spiritual satisfaction.

Maternal love is the haven of home, giving children tenderness and sense of security;

fatherly love is the road to the world at home, pointing to light and the future, and many answers to a child's life lie in this parental love.


We plant plants to make them look like themselves, and we nurture our children and let them have their own talents.

in fact, the separation between parents and children is destined to be a gradual separation, but the time of companionship will never fade, which can inspire the children to move forward bravely.

as the saying goes, the essence of education is also self-cultivation for parents.

when the father gives the child high-quality companionship and the mother gives the child bounded care, then the child's growth has no regrets and fetters.

parents perform their respective duties and give their children enough warmth and companionship, which is the best family education.